Yes, you are taking it too personally
And we’ve all been there.
Someone says or does something in a meeting that leaves us feeling disrespected or undervalued. We walk away replaying it in our minds — overthinking, over-analysing, and eventually convincing ourselves that the other person must be an insensitive jerk. Or worse, a bully. Sometimes the thought lingers for days. Sometimes it even steals our sleep.
That was me, a number of years ago. I took everything personally. I was a dweller — constantly turning things over in my head, trying to make sense of them. It was exhausting and, unsurprisingly, it was ruining my sleep.
Then I stumbled across the Experience Cube — a self-reflection technique that helped me think more clearly about what was actually said or done, and to reach a more objective understanding of another person’s behaviour or intent. Most of the time, I discovered that their behaviour had little or nothing to do with me.
Very few people are genuinely insensitive or cruel, and even fewer act that way deliberately.
Over time, the Experience Cube became more than just a reflection tool. It evolved into a practical way to catch myself in the moment — to manage my reactions and navigate disagreements with greater calm and perspective.
These days, I’ve swung to the other end of the spectrum. I rarely take things personally. In fact, there are times I suspect I probably should take some comments more personally than I do.
The Experience Cube has become one of the most valuable techniques I share with my coaching clients. In the article below, I’ll explain what the Experience Cube is, why it works, and how you can use it to strengthen your ability to lead collaboration and have a greater impact.
How to Use the Experience Cube to Reflect and Regain Clarity
When you’ve just walked out of a difficult conversation — one that left you uneasy, frustrated, or questioning yourself — your mind rarely lets it go. You replay what was said, what wasn’t said, and how it all unfolded. You imagine what you should have said. You try to make sense of why the other person behaved the way they did.
Before long, the story in your head feels as real as the conversation itself. Our brains have evolved over aeons to be that way.
That’s where the Experience Cube comes in.
Originally developed by Gervase Bushe in his book Clear Leadership, the Experience Cube is a simple yet powerful self-reflection tool. It helps you untangle the swirl of thoughts and emotions after a challenging encounter, make sense of what really happened, and move forward with calm and perspective.
Why We Dwell
When an interaction goes badly, our instinct is to explain it — to find meaning.
“They disrespected me.” “I handled that badly.” “They were completely unreasonable.”
We have 188 different cognitive biases hard-wired into our brains at some level. Almost a third of these biases are dedicated to creating meaning when meaning isn’t clear.
These biases and assumptions form quickly and often unconsciously. They’re our brain’s way of creating order out of chaos or uncertainty. But those stories are rarely complete — and often more negative than reality. And they become more entrenched the more they remain unchallenged.
The Experience Cube offers a structured way to reflect, separating what you actually experienced from what you’ve since told yourself about it.
Introducing the Experience Cube
The Experience Cube breaks every experience into four clear elements:
- Observations — What you actually saw or heard. The factual, sensory data of what happened.
- Thoughts — The meaning or story you attached to those observations.
- Feelings — Your emotional or physical response to those thoughts.
- Wants — What you (and they) wanted to happen or wish would have happened.
By reflecting through each quadrant, you can process the event rationally — reducing your emotional reactivity and increasing self-awareness and ability to choose your response.
Step-by-Step: Using the Experience Cube to Reflect
Here’s how to “walk around the Cube” after a difficult conversation or encounter.
Step 1: Start with Observations — What did I actually see and hear?
Begin by replaying only the facts, as if you were watching a video of the event.
Ask yourself:
- What words were spoken?
- What gestures, tone, or body language did I notice?
- What was observable, without subjective interpretation?
Example:
> “During the meeting, my manager interrupted me twice and said, ‘Let’s move on.’”
Avoid slipping into judgment or perception of their intent. Stick to what’s verifiable.
Step 2: Identify your Thoughts — What story did I create about this?
Next, capture the meaning you gave to those observations.
Ask:
- What did I tell myself this behaviour meant?
- What assumptions did I make about their intent?
Example:
> “I thought they didn’t respect my work.”
> “I assumed they were frustrated with me.”
Recognising these thoughts doesn’t make them true or false — it simply helps you become more objective. This isn’t about being blindly optimistic and ignoring what was said. It is important to honestly assess your feelings and assumptions.
Step 3: Tune into your Feelings — How did I feel in that moment?
Our bodies often signal emotion before our minds do. Reflect on what you felt during and after the event.
Ask:
- What emotions did I experience?
- How did my body react — tension, heat, tightness, or fatigue?
Example:
> “I felt embarrassed and angry.”
> “My shoulders tensed, and my stomach felt tight.”
Naming feelings helps you acknowledge their role in how you experienced the situation. Your emotions are real and are not simply a reaction to this event. It is a reaction to all the other similar events in your past, and the unchallenged stories you told yourself.
Step 4: Clarify your and their Wants — What did I need or hope for? What did they likely need?
Finally, uncover what you wanted from the interaction — what you hoped would happen, or still wish could happen.
Ask:
- What outcome was I hoping for?
- What need of mine went unmet?
Example:
> “I wanted to be heard and taken seriously.”
> “I wanted a collaborative discussion, not a dismissal.”
> “Did they really intend to disrespect me?
> “What could have been all the other potential reasons for their behaviour that have nothing to do with me?”
> “What did they want that they did not achieve?”
This step is often where insight appears. When you understand your wants and the goals and frustrations of others, you gain ideas for what to do next — whether that’s having a follow-up conversation, resetting expectations, or often, simply letting it go.
This reflection will help you realise that someone else’s behaviour towards you is rarely about you. It is a result of their own unchallenged stories, goals, and worries.
A Simple Example in Practice
Let’s say you walked out of a project meeting feeling frustrated with a colleague who dismissed your idea.
Here’s how you might process it through the Cube:
Observation - “They interrupted me twice and said, ‘That won’t work.’” Thought - “They don’t value my opinion.” Feeling - “I felt defensive and small.” Want - “I wanted to feel respected and have my input considered.”
After reflecting, you might realise your assumption (“They don’t value me”) may not be the full story. Maybe they were under time pressure or distracted by another issue. That doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it helps you respond with curiosity instead of resentment.
“This technique helped me realise that my first reaction was just one part of the story. When I worked through the Cube, I saw what I really wanted — to be heard, not to win.”
Senior Engineer, Government Agency
Why This Kind of Reflection Works
The Experience Cube helps you separate observation from interpretation, reducing what Bushe calls “interpersonal mush” — the confusion created when untested stories and assumptions cloud our relationships.
By walking through each quadrant, you shift from rumination (“Why did they do that to me?”) to learning (“What was really going on in that moment?”).
This structured reflection isn’t about excusing poor behaviour; it’s about seeing the situation clearly enough to respond effectively and protect your own peace of mind. Over time, a regular routine of reflection builds your muscles to choose your response, and not react.
For technical experts — who often value precision and evidence — the Cube provides a logical, emotionally intelligent framework for making sense of interpersonal complexity.
Making Reflection a Habit
Like any reflective practice, the power of the Experience Cube grows with repetition. Try using it in these ways:
After key meetings or tough conversations – Take five minutes to walk through each quadrant before moving on to your next task.
At the end of the day – Reflect on any moments that linger in your thoughts.
As part of a coaching or debrief session – Discuss your Cube reflections with a peer, coach, or mentor to gain a fresh perspective.
In writing – Keep a brief learning journal using the four Cube headings as prompts.
“After using the Experience Cube a few times, I started catching my assumptions faster. It’s made me calmer and more open in tough conversations.”
Technical Manager, Energy Sector
With practice, you’ll find yourself applying the Cube in real time — recognising assumptions as they form and choosing your response consciously.
From Reflection to Action
The purpose of reflection isn’t to dwell on the past; it’s to understand it well enough to move forward productively.
By examining what you observed, thought, felt, and wanted, you transform an uncomfortable interaction into insight and real learning. You gain clarity about your own patterns, which are rarely evident in the moment. And you free yourself from unnecessary blame — whether toward others or yourself.
Where to Next
Personal reflection and self-awareness are central to Expertunity’s work in helping experts and their leaders build their influence and impact in their organisations and communities.
Explore: Build your self-awareness and how others see you with our Expertship360 feedback process
Read next: Unlocking Your Full Potential: A Guide to Overcoming Fears and Boosting Self-Confidence
Book: Expertship Coaching Sessions to further develop your influence and impact through your own expert coach.
Learn more: Explore the Mastering Expertship full program to master the proven skills and techniques experts need to drive outcomes and build their confidence.
In summary
When you walk out of a difficult conversation and find yourself replaying it endlessly, that’s your mind’s way of trying to make sense of what happened.
The Experience Cube gives you a structured way to finish that process with clarity rather than anxiety. By breaking your experience into what you observed, thought, felt, and wanted, you can stop ruminating, learn what really matters, and collaborate with confidence.
If you like what you have read, you can see more of my articles, webinars, and podcasts at My Blogs and Research.
